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WARPED NEWZ archives 

And you thought you were mentally deranged .


 Weird news, stupid criminals, future Darwin award winners, and it's all true - we swear.

 

Police nabbed a Nigerian witchdoctor and his son after the son was spotted returning home with a human head, two legs, and two hands in a plastic bag. The son claimed innocence on the grounds that his father sent him out to buy them.

 

 

A Georgia man saw an unattended police car parked on a deserted city street. Thinking he'd help himself to the weapons inside, he opened the back door, slipped inside, and quietly pulled the door shut. He spent the night locked inside the car. The next morning he was taken into custody by a well rested cop.

 

 

Are you feeling safer these days? You shouldn't be. The GAO has confirmed that out of a quarter million hacker attempts to access Department of Defense computers, 65% were probably successful.

 

 

A San Francisco bank robber entered a Bank of America branch and wrote, "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag" on a blank deposit slip and politely waited in line for the next available teller. The line was taking too long, so he went across the street and robbed the Wells Fargo branch.

He handed his note to the teller. "I'm sorry," the teller advised him. " This is Wells Fargo. I can't accept a stick-up note written on a Bank of America deposit slip.  You'll have to go back to Bank of America."

The disappointed thug went back across the street to re-rob the Bank of America. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police, who arrived in time to find the crook once again waiting in line at the Bank of America.

 

 

Another San Francisco bank robber robbed one teller and then strolled over to the new accounts desk to open a savings account with his newly acquired wealth. The first teller quietly called the police while the second teller helped him complete his application.

 

 

Two women were arrested in Johannesburg's airport trying to smuggle nearly a million dollars worth of diamonds out of South Africa in condoms inserted into their private parts. Police didn't say how they found them, but there was a confrontation between officers over who was going to get to search the travelers.

 

 

Anal retentiveness = Anal rape.   USA Today reports a to-do list found on two Vermont robbers said, 'Drive to Maine. Get safer place to stay. Buy guns. Get Marie. Get car. Do robbery. Go to New York.'

 

 

This time art imitated life just a little to closely.  A former butcher turned award-winning sculptor was arrested after police discovered dozens of 'disgusting' human remains in his studio.  Anthony-Noel Kelly, a cousin of the Duke of Norfolk, was renowned for his lifelike molds of human bodies. Now it appears he was making actual castings from real human parts.  The story broke when a patron thought he recognized a deceased friend in a head-with-brain-exposed piece.

 

 

Who says the government doesn't have a sense of humor?  Well, this guy for one --  A Philadelphia man was put under psychiatric care after mailing a Molotov cocktail to President Clinton.  He sent a manila envelope containing kerosene in a plastic bottle with a wick.  (Note to Janet Reno -- Please look up the word JOKE in the dictionary)

 

 

FBI agents caught up with a suspected bank robber after finding his graduation certificate from an anger-management course in the vault. Johnny Lee Miller is accused of taking $34,804 from First Utah Bank on New Year's Eve.  The FBI said he slid a gun out from an envelope and said, "Where is your money?"  The suspect took the gun with him but left behind the envelope, which contained the certificate that was issued by the Utah Department of Corrections.

 

 

Six female inmates at the Dallas TX highrise city jail suffered severe wrist injuries when elevator doors closed and the elevator took off after just 4 of 15 handcuffed-together prisoners had gotten off.

 

 

And just when you were thinking the FBI was a little too anal retentive… among the FBI tips posted at Pathfinder's Unabomber site on what can give away a mail bomb package is 'protruding wires'

 

 

A Pennsylvania prison board dines on deer meat today as they consider whether to allow 'road kill' deer to be brought in and cooked for inmates, as was common until the 1960's.

 

 

A Modesto, California man used an unusual technique in an effort to rob a Bank of America branch office. He used a thumb and finger to simulate a gun but, unfortunately, forgot to keep his hand in his pocket. He was arrested without incident.

 

 

A jury ordered a Charlotte NC skydiving instructor to pay $90,000 to a woman whose breasts he fondled with his free hands during a tandem training jump. For the jump, the woman was strapped directly in front of him, with her arms extended up hanging onto the shrouds.

 

 

A Virginia carpenter, with a history of mental disorders, is suing a hospital and its doctors for $3 million for letting him refuse to allow them to reattach his hand. He thought the hand was possessed by the devil after he saw the sign '666' on it, so he cut it off with his circular saw. The surgeons had even consulted a judge, but his advice at the time was to adhere to the man's wishes.

 

 

A bank robber was arrested the day after the robbery at a motel near the state line, only twenty miles away. The arresting officers asked him why he risked staying at a motel so close to the scene of the crime.  "I'm on parole and can't cross the state line without the permission of my parole officer," he explained.

 

 

A Los Angeles man gave himself away during an L.A.P.D. police lineup. When each man was asked to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "Hey, that's not what I said!"

 

 

In a case of real blue balls, a bank robber in Virginia Beach stuffed the bag of cash down his pants as he fled the scene. Unfortunately for him, the teller had planted an explosive dye pack in the bag with the cash. It went off and so did he.

 

 

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