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After months of negotiation, and several sleepless nights with drunken sports agents, The is finally proud to present the premiere column by legendary sports figure John Rocker. We are confident it will become a mainstay of politics and social commentary for one and all -- The Editors


satire, John Rocker       John Off His Rocker

                               A new Satire column by John Rocker


Okay, there are just a few things I want to clear up.  First off, allow me to intorduce myself; my name is John Rocker.  Well, while I was on the road last month I ran into some --  (satire cut due to racist remark by Mr. Rockers -- The Editors)


                   (content cut due to racist remarks by John Rocker -- The Editors)





And he says to me, "Look here, John Rocker, it's none of your damn business what I name my children." 

And then I say, "Oh yeah, well let me tell you something, Pico De Puke-o, you and all of your little street gang children John Rocker thinks..." -- (satire cut due to racist remarks by Mr. Rocker -- The Editors)




          (satire cut due to racist remarks by John Rocker -- The Editors)







Later we went back to the room and I put on some music, the kind of stuff women like.  Then she kissed me, the way John Rocker likes it, and we started making out.  Then  she pulled off her top. 

"Wow, you don't have any tan lines," I said. 

That's when she told me she was a frekin' -- (content edited due to racist views -- The Editors)



                                                (satire edited due to racist views by Mr. Rocker  -- The Editors)


And that's how you assemble a dining room table.  Which we wouldn't have to do in the first damned place if all our jobs weren't shipped overseas to people who can make furniture which doesn’t have to be put together in the first damned place.  I mean come on, really, have you ever seen some of these -- (content edited due to racist views Mr. Rocker  -- The Editors)



          (content cut due to racist remarks by John Rocker  -- The Editors)



Then, the spacecraft circled around and landed.  We all pulled over to the side of the road to look.  A bright light shined on us and it was if time and space stood still.  A hatch opened, and we feared for our lives.  Then several aliens stepped out all chanting "John Rocker" and … speaking of aliens, when is our government going wake up and do something about this illegal alien situation we have.  The other day I ran into one of these -- (satire cut due to racist views by John Rocker  -- The Editors)



          (content cut due to racist remarks Mr. Rocker  -- The Editors)



Anyway, it sure is nice to have a forum to vent and air my views, my way. I want to thank The for this opportunity, and I look forward to a long relationship.


John Rocker is the only place on the Internet where you can get John Rocker's column



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