WHY GAVIN POLONE REALLY LEFT UTA
prank calls and cold-blooded phone revenge
It was time for another series of prank calls to my good friends over at the United
Talent Agency, otherwise known as UTA. Gavin Polone, an agent and
partner, had not returned my calls so naturally I figured a manners teaching
lesson was due. My buddy Aaron and I talked over the game plan; then I
called the main switchboard and asked for Poloneís office.
"Gavin Poloneís office," his assistant said.
"Yeah, Michael Eisnerís office calling for Gavin, is he in?" I
said in just the right bored, nonchalant tone to authenticate the call.
"Uh, hold on, Iíll get him -- heís in a meeting Ė let me interrupt
It took only a couple of seconds before Polone came on the line,
"Michael, hi, whatís up?"
"Like you donít know you scumbag, you," I snarled.
There was a long pause, then, "Excuse me?"
"Or should I sayÖ soon to be Mr. ex-fucking scumbag agent," I hissed.
"Whoa, whoa, wait a minute..." he said.
"Donít you ever interrupt me again you pathetic little piss ant, do
you know who youíre talking to here? Well do you?" I was beginning to
"Yes, Michael Eisner."
"Fucking-A right -- Now, knock it off all your bullshit!" I yelled
into the receiver.
"Knock what --" CLICK. I hung up on him. That's the secret of
good prank calls, you hang up on them and act like they are intruding on you.
Now before he could regroup I beat him to the punch and called Michael Eisnerís
"Michael in? Itís Gavin Polone."
"Heís in a meeting. May I have him get back to you?" Eisnerís
very nice assistant said.
"Perhaps you can help me... some son of a bitch is impersonating me and
I have reason to believe heíll be calling in a few minutes -- best thing to do
is just hang up on him. I think he might be dangerous," I added.
"Jesus... just what we need after this Katzenberg crap"
"Well, I just wanted to let you know. Michael doesnít have to call me
"Thanks, Gavin." Eisnerís assistant was nice.
We waited about five minutes then called Gavin Poloneís office again.
"Michael Eisner for Gavin," I said.
"Whyíd you hang up on us? Whyíd you say those things?" Poloneís
assistant was confused.
"It must have been some screw-up with the phones," I reassured him.
"Jesus, whatís going on over there? Gavinís rip-shit, heís ready
to tear me a new asshole." I felt sorry for him, but it couldnít be
"Well, Michael will take his call now."
As soon as he put us on hold we conference called Steven Spielbergís
"Steven Spielbergís office..." his assistant, Robert, answered.
"Please hold for Michael Eisner and Gavin Polone." I said.
"Youíve got to be kidding, what is this, a prank call?" he asked. Then he put us on hold.
Just then Gavin Polone picked up.
"Michael, whatís going on?" Polone said.
"Iím so sorry Gavin, that bastard Katzenberg has me crazy these days.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH MONEY $250,000,000 IS?" I yelled.
"Itís okay, I understand," Polone said, accepting my apology.
"You? You understand? You?" I questioned.
"Well yes, I think I do, sure." he was backpedaling.
"Well FUCK YOU! I donít need youíre self righteous crummy
cocksucking pity -- Iíll run this studio myself if I have to!" I
"Guys, guys, slow down, whatís going on?" It was Steven
"Whoís that?" Polone questioned in a riled up, snotty tone.
"Well whoís this?" Spielberg shot back.
"Itís Gavin Polone, whoís this?" Polone quipped.
"Steven who?" Polone snapped.
"Yeah right, and Iím Babe fuckiní Ruth. Okay, I get it, Michael
Eisner, Steven Spielberg, this is a practical joke... very funny whoever you
are." Polone said.
"Hey, you called me," Spielberg reminded him.
"Oh, I did, did I?" Polone was getting pissed off now. "Okay,
well then... Steven, on behalf of the partners here at United Talent
Agency Iíd like to take this opportunity to tell you to go fuck
yourself." I could hear Poloneís spit hitting the receiver he was
so pissed off.
There was a long awkward silence.
"Excuse me?" Spielberg finally said.
"You heard me, dip-shit, go fuck yourself," Polone repeated in
"Thatís what I thought you said... okay, have a nice day." Spielberg
hung up and we followed suit.
I instantly called Eisnerís office again. "Hi, itís Robert over at
Dreamworks. Did a guy claiming to be Gavin Polone call you guys?" I asked.
"Oh yeah. He called impersonating Gavin Polone, but I just told him to
fuck off and hung up on him." he said.
"Well somethingís going on, because the REAL Gavin Polone just called
here and cussed out Steven and he was screaming Michaelís name
"How do you know it was the real Gavin Polone?" he asked.
This was a fair question I thought.
"We track all of our incoming calls by satellite and loop it through a
voice spectrometer. Then we run the voice signature through our in-house GPS
database. It was definitely Gavin Polone and he was calling from the 3rd
floor of the North East corner of UTA," I explained.
"Jesus," he said.
"ILM set it up for us," I explained further.
"Anyway, he was screaming something about Ďdriving over to Burbank and
doing a flying death kickí at Michael. I just thought youíd like to
"Thanks," he said in a worried tone.
"Steven wants to be updated on this situation, can you call me back if
he calls you guys?" I was asking strictly out of professional courtesy.
"Sure, notta problem."
We hung up and I speed-dialed UTA.
"Gavin Poloneís office."
"Steven Spielbergís office calling for Gavin," I said.
"Look, weíre not buying it, okay? Nice try," Gavinís assistant
sang in a smug, fuck you tone.
"Fine. If you donít believe me, call us back," I rattled off
Dreamworks number and hung up.
We took a coffee break and played back the tapes we had recorded of our
earlier conversations. Now it was Aaronís turn. We called Spielbergís office
"Hi, itís Jeremy Zimmer, whoís this please?" Aaron asked.
"Robert." Spielbergís assistant said.
"Robert, Gavin Polone told me you guys wonít take his calls."
"Robert, weíve got a big problem here and Iím trying to do a little
"Okay," he said only half listening. We could hear him typing in
"Did Gavin contact you today?" Aaron asked.
"Oh, you bet."
"And Iím guessing.... what... there was a little problem?"
The typing stopped. "No, there was a really big problem."
"I see..." Aaron said.
"It just caught Steven off guard, heís more amazed than anything
else," Robert reassured Aaron.
"Look, Robert, there was a grave misunderstanding. Gavin is mortified.
You see, he thought it was a prank phone call and well, thatís why he said the
things he did -- Heís afraid you guys are going to try to screw up his
"We donít do that here, we make movies," Robert said.
"Well, thatís good to know. But the point is... heís really really
"Okay, Iíll pass it on."
"Well, I was kinda wondering if we could just get Steven back on the
phone -- for just a second. Gavin would do anything to apologize. Heís sitting
right here in my office. Itís very embarrassing for him." Aaron sounded
just like a lawyer pleading a case.
"I donít think thatíd be --."
"Címon, itíll just take a few seconds then we can put this all
"Well..." Robert was starting to buckle.
"Címon -- two seconds," Aaron whined.
"Hold on, Iíll see if I can get his attention."
We held on for a good two or three minutes... finally.
"Seven?" I asked.
"Yes," Spielberg said.
"About all that stuff I said before...?"
Yes?" Spielberg waited.
"Well I just wanted you to knowÖ I meant every FUCKING WORD OF IT! Oh
yeah, and I never thought for a minute E.T. could make a bicycle fly, you sick
There was another long pause. I guess he wanted to make sure I was finished.
"Get some therapy --" CLICK, Steven hung up.
We immediately called Eisnerís office.
"Hello, itís Gavin Polone, Steven Spielberg is a cruel unforgiving
bastard! Heís also a Fuck-Head"
"Look, whoever this is --"
"Oh, you donít believe me? Call me back at UTA. Spielbergís a
fuck-head Ė fuck -- head."
We hung-up. Then we called Poloneís office to get things going.
"Gavin Poloneís --"
"Shut your cakehole -- Listen, this is Michael Eisnerís office calling
and if your boss ever calls here again weíre gonna have a restraining order
put on his ass," I screamed into the receiver.
"Who the hell is this?"
"You know damn good and well who this is, bun boy."
"Fuck you -- donít call here again!" Poloneís assistant
screamed a few more incoherent obscenities and then hung up
We waited a few minutes and called Eisnerís office again.
"Gavin Polone calling--"
"I said donít call us again!" Eisnerís assistant screamed.
"Oh donít worry - and while weíre on the subject, why donít you
take those stupid fucking ears off your pinhead and shove them straight up your
mousy little poop-shoot!"
Then Aaron called Dreamworks. "Hi, itís Jason over in Legal affairs
here at Paramount -- Uh, I just got this weird phone call."
"Let me guess, Gavin Polone, right?" Robert asked.
"Oh you know about this?"
"Uh - yeah, he called us earlier," Robert said.
"Well he just called here saying that he was now representing Steven Spielberg, and in the future heíd be making all career decisions for him,
because, and Iím only quoting him here okay? Remember, I'm
quoting... he saidÖ because Steven Spielberg is a fuck-head."
"Yeah, heís flipped out or else heís on drugs or something -- I only
hope he jumps out his window and does us all a favor," Robert said.
We called Poloneís office again.
"Hi, itís Army Archard calling Gavin," Aaron said.
"Army?" Polone said, coming on the phone immediately.
"Hi Gavin, any truth to the rumor youíre calling everyone up and
telling them Steven Spielberg is a fuck-head?"
"What? What the? Who the hell is this?" he screamed.
"Army Archard," Aaron said.
"Sure." CLICK -- Polone was gone.
Then of course we called Army Archard at Variety. Archard always answers his
"Hi, itís Gavin Polone, Iíve got a hot scoop for you."
"Whatís that Gavin?"
"Seven Spielbergís a fuck-head!" I said.
"Whatíd you say?" Army asked, not really believing what he just
heard with his own ears.
"I said, Steven Spielberg is a FUCK-HEAD. I outta know, Iím
representing him now."
"Okay, fine." Army said, not believing a word of this.
"Army, I know what youíre thinking, but I have a very good reason for
doing this. Call me back at UTA to confirm this if you think this is a prank
" I hung up.
* * * * * * *
About an hour later we called Polone again but his assistant said he had gone
into personal management and was no longer with UTA.
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