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Ring of Fire


A weekly column pandering to the Politically Incorrect...



Episode 319 -- The  Election Process


Excuse me if I'm frekin' politically incorrect here, but, I don't know if anybody out there has been remotely paying attention to the US Presidential Primaries, but let me tell you something - we've got trouble.

I mean, I don't wanna seem politically incorrect here, but look at who we got stuck with this time around for crying-out-loud. Dumb and Dumber (take your pick as to who is who depending on your political orientation).

The point is the electoral system has mutated to a point where all you have to do to get elected to anything is raise the most money. What sense is that? Lemme ask you this…does being able to raise the most money really qualify anybody to be President? Apparently it does. This explains why your worst nightmare came true this year when Donald Trump, yes Donald freakin' Trump, was taken more than seriously by the mainstream press as a viable presidential contender.

The Donald running the free world? I don't think so, not on my watch. I think it does signal that it's time to take some radical steps here. Don't get me wrong, I still believe democracy is the best system on Earth. I'm not talking about bombing federal buildings, and I'll still pay taxes. I just think some changes are in order. Luckily for America I've got a few ideas.

So here's my plan. Actually, it was Jessie Ventura being elected Governor of Minnesota that started me thinking about it. What if we just shit-canned the entire election process? Just got rid of it altogether and started from scratch? Only this time, instead of all this negative campaigning, vicious advertising, debating and pandering, how about if we just set up one of those big wrestling cages and let them fight it out. You know what I'm talking about, those eighteen-foot high chain linked, barbed-wired fenced in, no ref allowed, no holds barred cages of death. It doesn’t get any more damned American than that!

We could call it something snappy like "Presidential Death Match," or "Body Slams to The White House," or whatever the network guys come up with. Then, on "Election Day", we would get all the candidates and cram them into the cage. The Chief Justice of the Supreme Court could open the ceremony, and then of course we'd let the candidates have at it. Last one standing gets to be President. That simple, done deal.

Now I know what you're thinking, but hear me out on this one. Lets look at the facts. Fact: We wouldn't have to go through nine months of whining and moaning, and listening to people lie about whether or not they smoked dope in college. Hellooooo, it was the 60's, of course they smoked dope in college. I probably wouldn't vote for them if they hadn't.

Fact: Instead of pumping seventy million dollars down the media rat-hole, with my plan anyone serious about being presidential is going to have to be out there pumping iron. I can hear you saying, "what the hell does that have to do with being President." Well, what the hell does raising seventy million bucks have to do with being president? Nothing. The only difference being the last man standing in an election death match is a hell of a lot harder. That means that our special someone is going to have to EARN their way into the White House - with blood, and guts, and the sheer will to survive. Don't these seem like qualities you'd want in a president? Just the fact that someone went through all the pain, agony, and torture to prevail would tell me that he wanted to be my President, and that he truly loved the county. Now that's character.

C'mon, be honest, you know you really want a president who's capable of kicking a little ass and taking names? Seriously, deep down, when the shit hits the fan, we all want the guy sitting in the Oval Office who just kicked the living shit out of twenty or thirty other guys. And if this was our president you could damn sure kiss all these tinhorn dictator, Stalin wannabes goodbye. Why? Because who is going to screw with a President after you've seen him gouge out his "Good friend, and respected colleague, from the great state of Wisconsin's" eyes, or put the "beloved Governor, from the state of Colorado", in a coma by repeatedly pounding his head into the concert floor?" No one, that's who.

And lobbyist would be a thing of the past too. With no more money to raise for campaigns they'd have to stand on the merits of their issues. "Hello, Mr. President, I'd like to talk to you about our efforts to lift the ban on toxic waste dumps --"

"Fuck youuuuuuu. Dumbest fucking idea I've ever heard in my life. Get the hell outta of my office with this toxic waste crap and don't come back." See? That's what this country cries out for.

And don't forget about fiscal responsibility. The sheer numbers that pay per view would generate would be a major step toward paying down the national debt. But of course the best part of all would be that the losers would all have to shave their heads and leave town.


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