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news parody, parody, newspaper parody, online newspaper

Creeping tabloidism, news parody and satire...


President Bush Outed by Bill Clinton

New York, New York -- In his first public appearance since leaving office former President Clinton wasted no time in outing President G.W. Bush, declaring our new President to be a "dedicated homosexual," who has lead a double life that included "lots of leather and lots young boys."

To substantiate his claims Clinton held up a recent photo (see insert) of President Bush at a Washington DC bathhouse, which he claimed Rep. Barney Frank furnished to him. As stunned reporters attempted to rebound from the shocking revelation Clinton continued on,  "Hells bells people, it's not exactly a secret, now. C'mon.  It started for him back in college, when he was a pledge for a Greek fraternity, and let's just say he took to his initiation a little more seriously than most."

Clinton reminded the crowd, "now don't get me wrong, I'm pro gay, remember, but I just wanted to set the record straight. I thought this might help him with the religious right, and Dr. Laura." Clinton then quickly departed without taking questions from reporters.

Neither President Bush, nor the White House press department, would comment but when asked about Clinton's press conference First Lady, Laura Bush, replied, "Ahhhh, now that explains a lot of stuff…" 

 

  More news parody from The Newz.com

Bush Falls Off Wagon - Claims Victory - Throws Up on Aids

AUSTIN, TEXAS - With a bottle of Jose Cuervo tequila in one hand, and a Playboy magazine in the other, a falling down drunk George W. Bush stumbled out onto the steps of the Governor's mansion and claimed victory in the 2000 Presidential election as horrified campaign workers looked on.

He began in a slurred, dyslexic haze, which more closely resembled a Dean Martin roast for Foster Brooks, "I don't give two prairie dogs a-holes if all the votes ain't been counted yet!  I started drinkin' early on election night, when the networks said Gore won Florida, and I ain't stopped since.  They keep telling me we have a problem with the Electoral College, but shit, I don't even remember attendin' there."

An unidentified campaign aid scrambled to the microphone. "I-uh think what the Governor is saying --".

Bush shoved her out of the way and continued, "What I'm really sayin' people is…I'm President now, with a capital T.  Now I can drink whatever I want, whenever I want… Aw, now don't worry none cuz I ain't gonna get no DUIs, cuz now I got me a limo. So Al Bore can just smooch my big white Texas ASS!  I got me my porn here and a bottle of Jose Cuervo ta-kill-me and this Texan's gonna get himself some trashed." 

It was then that the crowd began to laugh.  "Hey! Stop laughin'!  People's laughed at me my whole entire life and it always makes me mad!  I'll remind you, I'm the President of these 53 states!"

When the campaign aid corrected Bush telling him that there are only "50 States" Bush shot back indignantly, "Fuck-you-me!  You're not gonna gyp me out of any more states! They already tried to steal Florida from me!  We've got 53 states, since 1950-ah shit-something when we added Hawaii, Alaska, Petro Rico, and Cuba.  And don't you EVER correct me in public again. We've talked about this before! I'll tell on you."

Then, without warning, the Governor projectile vomited straight into a female intern's face and fell to his knees desperately trying to keep from spilling his tequila bottle.  He was carried off while aids scrambled to put a positive spin on the event.  They were unsuccessful.

The Newz.com spells News Parody.

Al Gore Offers to Settle Election in Fistfight

"How about if I just bitch-slapped Governor Bush's punk-ass into submission? Would that suit the American people?"

Gore was reacting to recent USA Today/Gallop poll suggesting that 93% of all Americans would prefer Bush and Gore, "beat the living shit out of each other," rather than see either man be elected as President.

Gore quickly seized on the polling numbers claiming them as a "mandate."  "This is clearly a mandate that shows the American people overwhelmingly support my issues such on gun control, a woman's right to choose, larger government spending, higher taxes, class warfare, and pitting the races against each other." 

"How about if we settle this dispute in a diplomatic and scholarly way.  I propose that Governor Bush and I meet one on one, not to compromise, but to end the unhealthy rhetoric, which is bad for the country -- but this time we'll leave the gloves at home.  Whoever's left standing will be the 43 President of the United States.  You give me 15 minutes with him and I'll slap him around and make him my woman." 

George W. Bush, could not be reached for comment because he was locked in a bathroom at the Governor's Mansion projectile vomiting.

News Parody and beyond

Bob Hope Still Not Dead

TOLUCA LAKE - CA   Doctors at Saint Josephs Medical Center confirmed today that Bob Hope is indeed still not dead.   "We just don't understand it," stated Dr. Melvin Flax,  "technically Mr. Hope has been dead since 1986.  He shows no vital signs whatsoever.  We haven't detected a pulse since the late 60's, but his eyes keep popping open and he keeps telling us jokes… so that makes it kind of hard to fill out that nagging death certificate."

Hope has managed to baffle doctors and the public alike by somehow managing to stay alive despite the fact that has been at the top of several prominent dead pool lists for years.

Hope's last brush with death occurred a few months ago when the 93-year-old comedian/ entertainer was hospitalized for a severe bout of the flu.  At that time it was widely anticipated that Hope would pass, but he recovered, which in turn forced several Las Vegas bookmakers into bankruptcy who had laid odds on Hope's death.  Hope's most memorial show business moment was screwing Mimi Van Dorn backstage at a 1967 USO Show in Saigon.

 

Congressional Hearings On Stupidity Delayed When Witnesses Get Lost On Way To Capital Building

WASHINGTON, D.C. - “This is exactly why we need to pass that damn bill," Congressman Asa Hutchinson (Arkansas) screamed out in frustration as he and three other representatives began searching for ten missing witnesses that apparently wandered off and got lost, who were set to give their testimonials on how stupidity has effected their lives.

The “stupidity club,” or technically the S-10 group, departed from their hotel rooms near the Capital Building around 8:00 am but apparently never made it to there, even though the Capital Building was in clear line of sight. “It's only the tallest freakin' building in Washington, you can't miss it." Congressman Hutchinson ranted, “For God’s sake, I repeated the damn directions about fifty-seven times." He also faxed them directions at the hotel, drew them a map on a cocktail napkin, and sent a congressional page to lead them over, but somehow the group still managed to elude common sense and get lost.

The incident sparked a rash wave of name calling among congressional members, with Congressman Hutchinson bearing the brunt of it. “If it wasn’t for his damn stupid directions maybe S-10 would not have gotten lost," said Bob Stump (Arizona). “I told that stupid fool this was going to be a disaster,” He added.  Congressman Hutchinson expressed regret for his colleagues' opinions, "You see, it's this kind of destructive name calling that places a wedge between the two parties and makes us all look like children… besides, Mr. Smarty Pants is nothing more than a bloated, backstabbing, poo-poo head." 

 

Waitress in Los Angeles NOT Aspiring Actress

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA - In a bizarre circumstance, which baffled experts are calling a "fluke of nature," Los Angeles waitress, Sally Rockets, today stated that she has no intention of ever becoming a movie actress. The news spread like wildfire throughout the shocked Hollywood community leaving everyone to ask 'how could this happen here'. 

Sick and Tired of being hit on by Hollywood producers, Sally poured a boiling pot of hot coffee into the lap of the one hundredth guy to ask her for sex in exchange for movie roles. "I'm so sick of this actress shit," Sally said angrily. "I love being a waitress, I graduated suma cum loudly at the Moorcrass Witnessing Academy." The buxom, gum chewing Sally, who wears her Waitress of the Month pin proudly said, "I don't wanna be no actress, 'sides all they do when they come in here is eat and barf up the bathroom. Na, I don't give a flying fuck 'bout no Hollywood."

Producer, Howard Finkelstienman, who is listed in fair condition at the Grossman Burn Center in Sherman Oaks, attempted to file charges for assault and battery, and unsafe handling of steaming liquids.  However District Attorney Gil Garcetti refused to file the charges, stating that, "After all, Mr. Finkelstienman is the producer who brought us Battlefield Earth and Baby Geniuses, so we'll just call it even."

 

Study - Six out of Ten Nuns Purchased Ricky Martin CD's Last Year  

ROME - THE VATICAN - A survey released yesterday from Rome claims that six out of every ten Catholic nuns purchased Ricky Martin CD's last year. According to the Mother Superior from the church of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion, Ricky's very popular with the nuns because he's "cute, sassy, and has an 'angelic ass'.  He's also got that insightful little pent-up altar boy look," she said sheepishly.  Mother Superior also said that the video to the song, "Livin' La Vida Loca", is a Sunday after church, throw your hands in the air like you just don't care favorite, and that she and some of the other nuns have gone to see Ricky live in concert. "He's very exciting live", She added. "And very well endowed with God's Blessings".  The nuns anxiously await Ricky's return to Rome scheduled sometime in early 2001 and are already laying plans to snag back stage passes from some roadies.

 

Prominent Psychiatrist Admits - “We’re all Fucking Nuts”

New York - A prominent psychiatrist in the Manhattan area boldly admitted that after thirty years of “hearing it all,” our society is on a steady decline and we are all basically “we're all just plain fucking crazy."  Wishing to remain anonymous, the doctor spoke from behind a shielded screen to a stunned audience. The doctor also offered up, as further proof of his theory, that his own mental health was in jeopardy after dealing with lunatics day in and day out. “I’m starting to wonder about myself these days.  I love the taste of vodka with a valium chaser a lot more than I did in my early twenties."

The doctor believes there is no hope on the horizon. “The world today is short circuiting as we speak.”  He said. “Suddenly I'm treating tons multiple personality disorders, pedophiles, rapists, schizophrenics, republicans, and murders… and that's just other doctors I treat out of professional courtesy.” 

When asked by a member of the audience what changes he would like to see in the psychiatric community the doctor replied, "I'd like them to allow me to legally bill a multiple personality disorder for each individual personality.  I think that's fair."  Under current law psychiatrists may only issue one bill per patient no matter how may personalities they may harbor.

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