The Newz

Twisted Humor

Warped Newz            

Letterz   

Publisher's Memo 

Revenge

John Rocker 

Lazario

People are Saying

Burger Scum

TV Pilots

Links

Jokes

E-mail Us

About Us      

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

news parody, parody, newspaper parody, online newspaper

Creeping tabloidism, news parody and satire...


Evel Knievel Sets New World Record - Jumps 4 Nurses in Convalescent Hospital

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA - Famed daredevil Robert "Evel" Knievel broke yet another world record Monday when he successfully had sex with three Registered Nurses and a candystriper in one 24 hour period.

Knievel, who had been convalescing due to hepatitis C, remarked at a post jumping press conference, "Hell, I didn't wake up that morning expecting to break the world record, I just had some morning wood and wanted to get laid."

Until last Monday the world record had been held by Playboy Magazine publisher, Hugh M. Hefner, who had taken the record after scoring with three nurses while he was recovering from his stroke. Hefner learned of the news while taking a swim at the Playboy mansion in Los Angeles.

"That's okay, he can have that record, I'll keep all the others," Hefner said. Then he promptly scooped up a handful of viagra tablets and strolled off to have sex with Miss June, Miss July, Miss October and Miss Venezuela in the Grotto.

When reached for comment, son Robbie Knievel, who recently jumped the Grand Canyon on a motorcycle stated, "Yeah, buddy! That's my dad!" Knievel is reported to be resting following the rigorous activities of the stunt and sporting what authorities are calling "a shit-eating grin."

 

Budget Increase for Government Conspiracies Proposed by Congress

WASHINGTON, DC - Congressman Bob Barr R-Georgia today proposed spending increases of over twenty-three billion dollars in additional funding of government conspiracies.


Barr addressed the packed house chamber as stunned elected officials and aids hung on his every word. "Mr. Speaker, our conspiracies to keep minorities impoverished, our black helicopter program, our ongoing effort to taint our blood supply with AIDS, and our master plan to have space aliens take over the world and turn us all into slaves are in jeopardy and require additional funds. Since the Internet sprang to life, and Art Bell went on the air, we no longer live in a world where the government can conspire against its citizens cheaply. We need additional funding. Why right now, on our public streets, there are thousands of Americans wearing aluminum foil hats so our satellites cannot steal their thoughts. We need more money, and bigger aluminum foil penetrating satellites, if we hope to have a snowball's chance in hell at stealing these people's thoughts."

Barr went on to ask the congress to allocate an additional twenty-three billion dollars, in addition to the already staggering amount set aside for government conspiracies, that resides outside of the dominion of the normal budget. When asked what programs should be cut to pay for this funding Barr replied, "Don't worry about that, we'll just have the CIA step up our crack sales to the inner city and we'll have it all paid for within two years."

The plan drew a swift and immediate response from the Democrats. Senator Ted Kennedy D-MASS, quipped, "Look, I'm as fiscally irresponsible as the next Washington insider, and I do love to increase spending, but I think we've done an excellent job of conspiring against our citizens, the record speaks for itself. Hey, who knows more about government conspiracies than the Kennedys, right?" The measure passed with a vote of 235 to 199.

When asked about the sweeping ramifications of this funding a man in an aluminum foil hat replied, "Fobnetz."

 

Harvard Study Reveals Men Who Are Good Listeners 83% More Likely To Get Laid

CAMBRIDGE MASS - Harvard researchers concluded an extensive two-year, fifty-five thousand-person study revealing that men who are good listeners have a much higher chance of getting laid then do men who incessantly talk about themselves on dates.

Dr. David Markim, Phd. released the findings to an excited group of mostly male reporters on the Harvard campus. "And this is just the tip of the iceberg," Markim said, "for instance, we've found that men who poach food off their date's plates have an almost miniscule chance of getting any form of sex; oral, digital, or the regular kind. Also, we're concluded that men who belch after drinking beer, or ask a woman to pull their finger before passing gas not only stand very little chance of receiving sex, but in our opinion, they don't deserve it in the first place."

This study shatters most common beliefs that women enjoy listening to their date's previous sexual exploits, illustrated in graphic detail, as some sort of sexual calling card. "Really women aren't at all that interested in the other women we've slept with before them, and actually, would really not like the subject to be brought up at all. Astonishing." Markim went on to add, "The data is conclusive. Our study also finds women do not want to hear a man talk for hours about his job, his car, drunken stories about outlandish acts he did with his also drunken friends during Spring break, strippers he almost nailed, and porn stars he'd like to do."

The study, which will be published in the New England Journal of Medicine and Penthouse Magazine, is expected to be met with general skepticism by most males.

 

Sarcastic Man Gets Life in Prison for Parking Ticket

MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN - Doug Hooper, a downtown pawnbroker, entered a Milwaukee municipal traffic court a free man on Monday and left in shackles with a life sentence hanging over his head -- the result of a sarcastic free-for-all with Judge David Wapner, nephew of the famed People's Court judge.

Hooper, who has been called "extremely sarcastic" by friends and family, entered the court with the intent of pleading not guilty to a minor parking violation. However, when the Judge asked him whether he parked in a handicapped space, Hooper replied, "Oh sure I did, that's what I live for. I drive around town all day long looking for handicapped spaces to park in. I also mark them down in a notebook for future reference."

The Judge, who did not get the joke, asked Hooper if he was confessing. Hooper then replied, "Yeah, sure Judge Wapner, I'll confess to the People's Court. I need to get a few things off my chest."

Hooper was making reference to the Judge's famous uncle, and did not realize this judge shared the same last name. The Judge was visibly angered by Hooper's reference, and asked, "So you are confessing then?"

Hooper replied, "Yeah sure, I did it. I also robbed three liquor stores last week, raped a nun, and I'm the guy the police have been looking for, for the past six months, for that string of murders up over in the Heights. That's me, I did it all."

The Judge, who associates claim has absolutely no sense of humor whatsoever, did not realize Hooper was joking. Upon hearing what he believed to be an admission of a murderous rampage the judge banged down his gavel and ordered Hooper taken into immediate custody on the charge of murder.

The bailiffs grabbed a stunned and dumbfounded Hooper and shackled him. As he was being led away Hooper was heard to say, "That's right, I'm the big public menace, don't forget, I killed Kennedy! Watch out, I've got a fifty-megaton bomb under my shirt. It could go off any second." Later in the afternoon, after the bomb squad had finished scouring the entire courthouse, activity resumed as usual.

Hooper was offered bail at $20,000 but declined it, stating, "Bail? Who me? No, I donít want bail. Why would I want with bail? I love jail. I wanna stay here forever. Why on earth would I want to bail myself out?" Hooper will remain in jail without bond awaiting an August 15 trial date.

 

Miami Gang Accused of Beating German Tourist "Within An Inch of His Life" Acquitted Due To The Metric System

MIAMI - Eleven members of the notorious West 42nd Mac King Coles were aquatinted of all charges stemming from the January 21 beating of Johan Borst, a German tourist visiting Miami. Borst was attacked near South Beach at about 5PM on January 21 when he encountered the gang, who harassed the tourist and demanded money. Unable to speak English "too gud" Borst was unable to understand what the gang wanted. According to Police reports, when he failed to comply with their demands, the gang beat him to "within an inch of his life". Later Borst was rushed to an area hospital where emergency surgery performed.

With the 11 signed confessions, 6 videotapes, and 47 eyewitness accounts weighing heavily against his clients, defense attorney Johnny Cochran took no chances in addressing the jury. "This is all just a frame-up job and it stinks to high-heaven. Look, it's impossible for my clients to have beaten this guy to "within an inch of his life" like the police report says -- he's from Germany, they're on the metric system over there. They've got centimeters, or millimeters, or some other meters. They don't know anything about no damn inches. Case closed." Apparently the jury agreed with Cochran as it took them only twelve minutes to return a not guilty verdict.

Afterward Cochran stood on the steps of the courthouse and said, "This is not just a vindication for the Kings, this is a vindication for all ruthless street gangs everywhere. We've put the system on trial today, and we showed that drug money spends just a green and corrupt big business money or Kennedy babysitter trouble money."

 

Milli Vanilli Inducted Into The Rock And Roll Hall of Fame - Fans Express Apathy

CLEVELAND, OHIO - Well Cleveland rocks just a little more these days as Milli Vanilli was FINALLY inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

The dynamic duo of Rob Pilatus and Fabrice Morvan took center stage and did a perfect lip-synch to their hit, "Girl I'm Gonna Miss You," before an enthusiastic audience of their "peers" which included Madonna, Areosmith, and Cher.

Backstage the "singers" seemed elated, but also scolded the committee for not nominating them sooner. "Check it, we were one huge act, and they the put people in like Eric Clapton and Rod Stewart? They're not even Americans. What do they want us to do, learn how to sing?"

But the event was marred with innuendo. For even as they were accepting their awards rumors surfaced that Milli Vanilli may have hired lookalikes to pose for them onstage and do their lip-syncing at various concerts. Milli Vanalli had no comment, saying only, "Just let us call our manager and get some folks into the studio, and we'll have a comment recorded for you by noon tomorrow. Okay?"

Top of Page

 

 To The Newz Archives>>

 

© 2003 The Newz.com twisted humor magazine All Rights Reserved.  Which means we won't see the humor if you steal from us. Therefore we have the legal and moral right, as allocated to all online humor magazines, to hunt you down like a twisted little monkey.  Legal Stuff