Evel Knievel Sets New World Record - Jumps 4 Nurses in
LAS VEGAS, NEVADA - Famed daredevil Robert "Evel" Knievel
broke yet another world record Monday when he successfully had sex with
three Registered Nurses and a candystriper in one 24 hour period.
Knievel, who had been convalescing due to hepatitis C, remarked at a
post jumping press conference, "Hell, I didn't wake up that morning
expecting to break the world record, I just had some morning wood and
wanted to get laid."
Until last Monday the world record had been held by Playboy Magazine
publisher, Hugh M. Hefner, who had taken the record after scoring with
three nurses while he was recovering from his stroke. Hefner learned of
the news while taking a swim at the Playboy mansion in Los Angeles.
"That's okay, he can have that record, I'll keep all the
others," Hefner said. Then he promptly scooped up a handful of
viagra tablets and strolled off to have sex with Miss June, Miss July,
Miss October and Miss Venezuela in the Grotto.
When reached for comment, son Robbie Knievel, who recently jumped the
Grand Canyon on a motorcycle stated, "Yeah, buddy! That's my
dad!" Knievel is reported to be resting following the rigorous
activities of the stunt and sporting what authorities are calling
"a shit-eating grin."
Budget Increase for
Government Conspiracies Proposed by Congress
WASHINGTON, DC - Congressman Bob Barr R-Georgia today proposed
spending increases of over twenty-three billion dollars in additional
funding of government conspiracies.
Barr addressed the packed house chamber as stunned elected officials and
aids hung on his every word. "Mr. Speaker, our conspiracies to keep
minorities impoverished, our black helicopter program, our ongoing
effort to taint our blood supply with AIDS, and our master plan to have
space aliens take over the world and turn us all into slaves are in
jeopardy and require additional funds. Since the Internet sprang to
life, and Art Bell went on the air, we no longer live in a world where
the government can conspire against its citizens cheaply. We need
additional funding. Why right now, on our public streets, there are
thousands of Americans wearing aluminum foil hats so our satellites
cannot steal their thoughts. We need more money, and bigger aluminum
foil penetrating satellites, if we hope to have a snowball's chance in
hell at stealing these people's thoughts."
Barr went on to ask the congress to allocate an additional
twenty-three billion dollars, in addition to the already staggering
amount set aside for government conspiracies, that resides outside of
the dominion of the normal budget. When asked what programs should be
cut to pay for this funding Barr replied, "Don't worry about that,
we'll just have the CIA step up our crack sales to the inner city and
we'll have it all paid for within two years."
The plan drew a swift and immediate response from the Democrats.
Senator Ted Kennedy D-MASS, quipped, "Look, I'm as fiscally
irresponsible as the next Washington insider, and I do love to increase
spending, but I think we've done an excellent job of conspiring against
our citizens, the record speaks for itself. Hey, who knows more about
government conspiracies than the Kennedys, right?" The measure
passed with a vote of 235 to 199.
When asked about the sweeping ramifications of this funding a man in
an aluminum foil hat replied, "Fobnetz."
Harvard Study Reveals Men
Who Are Good Listeners 83% More Likely To Get Laid
CAMBRIDGE MASS - Harvard researchers concluded an extensive two-year,
fifty-five thousand-person study revealing that men who are good
listeners have a much higher chance of getting laid then do men who
incessantly talk about themselves on dates.
Dr. David Markim, Phd. released the findings to an excited group of
mostly male reporters on the Harvard campus. "And this is just the
tip of the iceberg," Markim said, "for instance, we've found
that men who poach food off their date's plates have an almost miniscule
chance of getting any form of sex; oral, digital, or the regular kind.
Also, we're concluded that men who belch after drinking beer, or ask a
woman to pull their finger before passing gas not only stand very little
chance of receiving sex, but in our opinion, they don't deserve it in
the first place."
This study shatters most common beliefs that women enjoy listening to
their date's previous sexual exploits, illustrated in graphic detail, as
some sort of sexual calling card. "Really women aren't at all that
interested in the other women we've slept with before them, and
actually, would really not like the subject to be brought up at all.
Astonishing." Markim went on to add, "The data is conclusive.
Our study also finds women do not want to hear a man talk for hours
about his job, his car, drunken stories about outlandish acts he did
with his also drunken friends during Spring break, strippers he almost
nailed, and porn stars he'd like to do."
The study, which will be published in the New England Journal of
Medicine and Penthouse Magazine, is expected to be met with general
skepticism by most males.
Sarcastic Man Gets Life in
Prison for Parking Ticket
MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN - Doug Hooper, a downtown pawnbroker, entered a
Milwaukee municipal traffic court a free man on Monday and left in
shackles with a life sentence hanging over his head -- the result of a
sarcastic free-for-all with Judge David Wapner, nephew of the famed
People's Court judge.
Hooper, who has been called "extremely sarcastic" by
friends and family, entered the court with the intent of pleading not
guilty to a minor parking violation. However, when the Judge asked him
whether he parked in a handicapped space, Hooper replied, "Oh sure
I did, that's what I live for. I drive around town all day long looking
for handicapped spaces to park in. I also mark them down in a notebook
for future reference."
The Judge, who did not get the joke, asked Hooper if he was
confessing. Hooper then replied, "Yeah, sure Judge Wapner, I'll
confess to the People's Court. I need to get a few things off my
Hooper was making reference to the Judge's famous uncle, and did not
realize this judge shared the same last name. The Judge was visibly
angered by Hooper's reference, and asked, "So you are confessing
Hooper replied, "Yeah sure, I did it. I also robbed three liquor
stores last week, raped a nun, and I'm the guy the police have been
looking for, for the past six months, for that string of murders up over
in the Heights. That's me, I did it all."
The Judge, who associates claim has absolutely no sense of humor
whatsoever, did not realize Hooper was joking. Upon hearing what he
believed to be an admission of a murderous rampage the judge banged down
his gavel and ordered Hooper taken into immediate custody on the charge
The bailiffs grabbed a stunned and dumbfounded Hooper and shackled
him. As he was being led away Hooper was heard to say, "That's
right, I'm the big public menace, don't forget, I killed Kennedy! Watch
out, I've got a fifty-megaton bomb under my shirt. It could go off any
second." Later in the afternoon, after the bomb squad had finished
scouring the entire courthouse, activity resumed as usual.
Hooper was offered bail at $20,000 but declined it, stating,
"Bail? Who me? No, I donít want bail. Why would I want with bail?
I love jail. I wanna stay here forever. Why on earth would I want to
bail myself out?" Hooper will remain in jail without bond awaiting
an August 15 trial date.
Accused of Beating German Tourist "Within An Inch of His Life"
Acquitted Due To The Metric System
MIAMI - Eleven members of the
notorious West 42nd Mac King Coles were aquatinted of all
charges stemming from the January 21 beating of Johan Borst, a German
tourist visiting Miami. Borst was attacked near South Beach at about 5PM
on January 21 when he encountered the gang, who harassed the tourist and
demanded money. Unable to speak English "too gud" Borst was
unable to understand what the gang wanted. According to Police reports,
when he failed to comply with their demands, the gang beat him to "within
an inch of his life". Later Borst was rushed to an area
hospital where emergency surgery performed.
With the 11 signed confessions,
6 videotapes, and 47 eyewitness accounts weighing heavily against his
clients, defense attorney Johnny Cochran took no chances in addressing
the jury. "This is all just a frame-up job and it stinks to
high-heaven. Look, it's impossible for my clients to have beaten this
guy to "within an inch of his life" like the police
report says -- he's from Germany, they're on the metric system
over there. They've got centimeters, or millimeters, or some other
meters. They don't know anything about no damn inches. Case
closed." Apparently the jury agreed with Cochran as it took them
only twelve minutes to return a not guilty verdict.
Afterward Cochran stood on the steps of the courthouse and said,
"This is not just a vindication for the Kings, this is a
vindication for all ruthless street gangs everywhere. We've put the
system on trial today, and we showed that drug money spends just a green
and corrupt big business money or Kennedy babysitter trouble
Milli Vanilli Inducted
Into The Rock And Roll Hall of Fame - Fans Express Apathy
CLEVELAND, OHIO - Well Cleveland rocks just a little more these days
as Milli Vanilli was FINALLY inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of
The dynamic duo of Rob Pilatus and Fabrice Morvan took center stage
and did a perfect lip-synch to their hit, "Girl I'm Gonna Miss
You," before an enthusiastic audience of their "peers"
which included Madonna, Areosmith, and Cher.
Backstage the "singers" seemed elated, but also scolded the
committee for not nominating them sooner. "Check it, we were one
huge act, and they the put people in like Eric Clapton and Rod Stewart?
They're not even Americans. What do they want us to do, learn how to
But the event was marred with innuendo. For even as they were
accepting their awards rumors surfaced that Milli Vanilli may have hired
lookalikes to pose for them onstage and do their lip-syncing at various
concerts. Milli Vanalli had no comment, saying only, "Just let us
call our manager and get some folks into the studio, and we'll have a
comment recorded for you by noon tomorrow. Okay?"
Top of Page
To The Newz