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The Twisted Humor Files


Miami Gang Accused of Beating German Tourist "Within An Inch of His Life" Acquitted Due To The Metric System

By Kelly Holtzclaw

MIAMI - Eleven members of the notorious West 42nd Mac-Cubed Kings With Fries were aquatinted of all charges stemming from the January, 21 beating of Horst Borst, a German touristvisiting Miami. Borst was attacked near South Beach at about 5 p.m. on January, 21 when he encountered the gang, who harassed the tourist and demanded money. 

Unable to speak English "too gud" Borst was unable to understand what the gang wanted. According to Police reports, when he failed to comply with their demands, the gang beat him to "within an inch of his life". Later Borst was rushed to an area hospital where emergency surgery performed.

With the 11 signed confessions, 6 videotapes, and 47 eyewitness accounts weighing heavily against his clients, defense attorney Johnny Cochran took no chances in addressing the jury. 

"This is all just a frame-up job and it stinks to high-heaven" Cockran spewed to the Jury.  " Look, it's impossible for my clients to have beaten this guy to "within an inch of his life" like the police report says -- he's from Germany, they're on the metric system over there. They've got centimeters, or millimeters, or some other meters. They don't know anything about no damn inches. Case closed." 

Apparently the jury agreed with Cochran as it took them only twelve minutes to return a not guilty verdict.

Afterward Cochran stood on the steps of the courthouse and said, "This is not just a vindication for the Kings, this is a vindication for all ruthless street gangs everywhere. We've put the system on trial today, and we showed that drug money spends just a green and corrupt big business money or Kennedy babysitter trouble money."

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