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Horton Lazario - On the Town


Vitello's in Hell-O

By Horton Lazario

Neatly tucked away in Studio City is Vitello's Restaurant; best known as the place where Robert Blake allegedly shot his wife in cold blood.  Unfortunately, this bit of trivia is the best thing this restaurant has to offer. 

Let me tell you about something equally as cold-blooded as the Blake murder - my night from hell at Vitello's. 

Now don't get me wrong; I've been to Vitello's in the past and I was happy.  But things have gone straight down the tubes since the Blake murder.  For one thing the owners/managers used to be really nice.  They would come by and sit down at your table for a little chat.  Now, however, they have turned into a ravenous pack of wolves, stressed out deranged lunatics screaming at 2-year-old children, and squabbling with everybody who is stupid enough to darken their doorway. 

Picture a chemically imbalanced Leona Helmsley on a PMS induced sugar rant and you'll get an idea of how my party was mistreated by the manager at Vitello's restaurant.

It's not often that I, an award-winning restaurant critic and international adventurer, am subjected to an evening of complete and utter horseshit, but there it was.  

Okay, enough about the service (by the way our waitress was great).  Let's talk about the food.  If I were one of those people who looked at the glass as half-full, instead of half-empty, I might search for something positive to say about my meal, like... "Well, the food may have been awful, but at least it was expensive."  But I'm not.  In fact, I've been told by several ex-girlfriends that I'm rather sardonic.  So, as far as I'm concerned, the way these people did a butcher job on my meal they -  not Robert Blake - should be on trial.

And that brings me to another point - in his murder defense Robert Blake stated that he had "been coming to Vitello's restaurant for 20 years."  

20 years?  

Are you fucking kidding me?

Here's the way I see it: Robert Blake has an excellent insanity defense.  Why?  Because only a fucking lunatic would come back to this retard's excuse for a restaurant year-after-year-after-year.

I'm serious - Blake's lawyer should consider this defense.  All it would take is the jury coming to Vitello's and having one single meal with Mr. Deranged Manager and Blake would walk.  Scott-Free.  Game over.  Instant slam dunk.  Goodbye orange jumpsuit, hello golf with O.J.

But perhaps something more sinister is afoot.  What nobody has considered is perhaps the Vitello's owners committed the murder themselves.  Why would they do such heinous thing?  

Well, Nancy, let's think about it... 

This place was a ghost town before the murder and now it's doing big mega-zagat-monstrous business.  So, PROFIT was the motive!  It's always the motive.  Oldest game in the book.  This does, however, cause me to wonder why the manager has turned into such a spasmodic jackass of all trades.  I mean really; shouldn't he be in a better mood?  A really better mood?  

More customers = more money = happy manager.  

NOT the case however at Vitello's...

At least one thing's for sure if Bobby Blake is convicted the prison food won't be a let down for him since he likes Vitello's so much.  Ta ta for now...




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