I just went back and listened to all of my music from the 60's. Jeeze. I
couldn't make out one single coherent thought in any of my songs from 1965
to 1974, but the record sales were through the roof. So here's my question…was
everyone else on acid too?
New York, New York
You want jokes? I got a million of 'em - literally. I got blonde jokes, dirty
jokes, funny jokes, not so funny jokes, hippy jokes, Ann Margaret jokes, and on
and on it goes. My garage is filled with 'em, millions of jokes...
Bob Hope's cue card man
All I have to do is lift my pinky and the Red Sea will part. Swear to God,
I've done it. So how come I have to have all these guns stashed around my
house? Oh, they're just so I won't have to lift a pinky to kill an
Beverly Hills Gun Club
Beverly Hills, California
Uh, I win the Heisman Trophy and uh, do the call me, "the best
player ever?" Uh, no, they don't. Uh, I break tons of NFL records and
uh, do they call me, "the greatest there ever was?" Hell no. Uh,
I retire and launch a successful acting career and uh, do they call me,
"the next uh, Brando?" Not uh, in this lifetime. But I go out
and commit two iddy-biddy murders and, oh sure, it's "O.J. the
murderer" and, "Oh look, there goes O.J. the homicidal
maniac." Uh, I just think it's uh, time that uh, people started
talking uh, about some of my uh, other uh, achievements.
Orenthal J. Simpson
I'll search every golf course until the
killers are found
Formally of Brentwood, California
I opened a national debate on healthcare reform. Did they call me a visionary?
The greatest peacetime economy happened on my watch. Did I get compared to
Roosevelt? I kept us out of war (I'm not counting that Kosovo thing when
my polls were down) and I even signed the welfare reform bill. Did they
compare me to Lincoln? But I get myself a little trim and all hell
William Jefferson Clinton
Still President of The United States of America
I just went back and viewed all of my musicals from the 80's. Jeeze. I
couldn't make out one single coherent thought in any of my songs, but the
ticket sales were through the roof. So here's my question…was everyone
else on acid too?
Sir, Andrew Lloyd Webber
I am proud to report that after twenty years of intense studies, and
countless millions of government grants, I have come up with absolutely
Dr. Raymond Goldbrick
National Institute of HealthBaltimore, Maryland
A dingo ate my baby.
New York, New York
Have you ever wondered what would happen if the universe reached its
outer boundaries and then started to contract? And have you further
wondered that if this happened would time run backward, would we get
younger, and would the world eventually implode? Nope, me neither.
Playa Del Rey, California
Did you know that if you start Pink Floyd's, "Dark Side of the
Moon" album and at the exact same time start, "The Wizard of
Oz" and turn down the sound, it synchronizes with the film in an
eerie, almost perfect way. But I'm warning you -- DON'T do this with,
"Ace Ventura - When Nature Calls" cuz it'll fry your brain and
you'll end up like me, living in a broken-down trailer park in Tupelo,
Mississippi. I used to be a courtroom lawyer.
F. Lee Bailey
Remember all the hoopla I made back in 1964 about, "cigarettes
causing cancer"? And remember I put my warning on every pack of
cigarettes? Well, I only did it because a Phillip Morris executive was
screwing my wife.
Dr. Fredrick Swanson
Former Surgeon General of the United
I had a minor setback with my last album, "Garth Brooks: In the
Life of Chris Gaines". But now I got a better idea -- "Garth
Brooks, In the Body of Pamela Anderson Lee". What do you think?
I've wanted to get inside her since I saw the Playboy pictures.
East til ya smell it and south til ya
step in it, Oklahoma
Even though I live in the small town of Berg, Ohio I take my theatre
going seriously and consider myself a patron of the arts. And let
me tell you, through the years I have seen some stellar performances,
but nothing compares to the stellar
of Oedipus Rex Pauly Shore pulled off this last Friday night at the Berg Dinner Theatre
Prime Rib Buffet. I mean when he found out he had killed his father and
slept with his mother it brought the house down. He jumped off stage and
ran around the theatre screaming, "Help me, help me, I'm gonna gank.
I just nailed my mo-the-ter. I should've spanked the monnnnn-keeeey."
I ain't seen a comedy this good since Carrot Top played Willie Loman in
"Death of A Salesman".
Is it me, or has Calista Flockheart put on a few pounds?
Lara Flynn Boyle
No craft service for me, thank you.
Is it me, or is Lard Ass Flynn Boyle gaining even more weight? Christ,
if you gave the woman a bucket of shit she eat it.
What is craft service?
Christ is coming…and this time he's not going to fall for that
phony-baloney, "Just go on up there on the cross and we'll save you
at the last minute," crap.
Rev. Sonny Valentine
Bismarck, North Dakota
I would like to buy shares of your company "The Newz.com."
Lately it has come to my attention that many people are becoming wealthy
by investing in Internet companies that make no money. I feel it is time
that I join their ranks. Your business seemed the perfect choice. You
offer pointless information, for free, to anyone who wants it. By doing
this, yours is one of the select 2,347,593 web businesses operating this
way, and a perfect choice for the savvy investor. I would also be
interested in a job working for stock options instead of pay. I am
capable of many things, and could be of great use to you sweeping up
around the web site. Of course, as soon as I am rich I would have to
Mary K. Amway
The other day I was giving an interview and the interviewer asked me if
I had any regrets. Regrets? Excuse me, have you ever SEEN Playboy
Magazine? Regrets? Yeah, I've got a regret…I regret that I can live to
be 250 years old. That's my regret.
Hugh M. Hefner
Meet you in the grotto
Los Angeles, California