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John Rocker

After months of negotiation, and several sleepless nights with drunken sports agents, The Newz.com is finally proud to present the premiere column by legendary sports figure John Rocker.  We are confident the John Rocker column will become a mainstay of politics and social commentary for one and all -- The Editors


 

satire, news satire, Political satire, newspaper satire       John Off His Rocker

                                         A new JOHN ROCKER column 

 

I have sinned…  

By John Rocker

I’ve been transformed.  I’m a new man.  I’ve washed all the racist bigotry slime off my now squeaky-clean ivory white skin and I’m ready to embrace my fellow man - whether he be black, brown, yellow, or mulatto.

It’s truly amazing what those high-paid head-shirkers can do.  I no longer look at illegal aliens with the same disgust as I used to.  No, I now take it as a complement when these hard working, off times heroic, Spanish speaking people risk life and limb to sneak into my country to start a new life.  Now I say let them have all the shopping carts they want.

And gone is my disdain for the New York subway system, for I now see the subway as it truly is… a shinning melting pot on wheels, heralding the American dream as it click-clacks down the tracks or equality toward a promising future.

Color me enlightened because I now know that minorities, and people of color, are not to be feared, for I have learned they are my wide-eyed friends, my pals, and my brothers.  I now yearn for the day when our children can play together in that big multicolored sandbox we call hope.

Now I know what some of you are thinking, “John Rocker, the former big-mouthed, dull normal racist doesn’t have anything bad to say about anybody anymore?  How can he do it?  Just how could that be?  How could he have hated so many people so vehemently, and then suddenly do a 180 without going insane?”

Well gang, I’ll let you in on a little secret.  You see, if I had to give up hating people all together you’re right, I’d surely have gone nuts.  Right now I’d be locked up with all the other drooling retards sucking up free mind-altering prescription drugs on the taxpayer’s dime.  But through counseling I learned to “re-channel” my hatred into something that was both constructive and politically correct.

Through counseling I learned there is still one group of people you can still get away with slurring and racially degrading.  A race of people nobody gives two-shits about.  A group of individuals who you can call every down home racist name in the book, dump all over, and it’s still not considered racism.  Of course I’m talking about white people.  They’ve still fair game.  So let’s get to it…

Poor white trash:  I am sick and tired of seeing these back-woods, snaggle-toothed, beer guzzling, chili fry eating, 99 Cent Store wearing, cousin marring, Springer appearing, 3rd generation welfare recipients living it up on the welfare check that I provide them while I work my fingers to the bone pitching in the major leagues.  Does that seem right to you?  Me neither.

I mean you’re talking about people whose only talent is lighting their own farts with disposable lighters which I pay for with my tax dollars.  Have you seen the movie Deliverance?  Well it was kind to these backwoods Gomers.

And let me tell you something, I live in Georgia, so I know a thing or two about ignorant white people.  There’s millions of ‘em down here.  Hell, look at Ted Turner for crying out loud.  Take away the Armani suit, toss his ass into a broken down pick-up truck, and you’d need dental records to tell him apart from the other retard rednecks.  It’d be like Where’s Waldo for inbreds.

I’m so glad I got that off my chest, I feel much better now.  Oh, time for my medication. 

 

Well, see'ya all next week.

John Rocker

 

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