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TV Pilots That Never Aired
taken from the producer's own pitch notes


Sigfreid and Roy -- Private Eyes                 High Adventure

After their white tiger mysteriously dies Sigfreid and Roy track down the killer. They find they have a knack for solving crimes and open up shop as Private Eyes in Las Vegas while using their show as cover.



22 Memory Lane                                         Hour Episodic

The '50s feel good show about white family in the South which harkins back to a time when kids didn't talk back, Negroes knew their place, women stayed out of the workplace, crippled people stayed home, homeless people were bums, and homosexuals had the common decency to move away from their small towns.



Touched By An A-hole                                 Drama -- Very Special

An obnoxious insult comedian is killed by his audience and comes back as an angel to roam from town to town aggravating people. Starring Howard Stern.



Four O'clock High                                         Afternoon comedy

Feel good show about the afternoon antics of a couple of lovable pot heads who soon escalate into doing heroin, and eventually have to turn tricks on the street to support their habit. Ends with lots of humor and a bittersweet note when both kooky kids inadvertently inject themselves with hot loads and OD.  



Mommy Dearest                                             Hallmark Country Musical

Joan Crawford has traded her wire hangers for a steel guitar in this feel good musical of the season. Reba McIntyre stars as Joan Crawford in this truly magical performance. Leanne Rhymes plays Christina, her sloppy, misunderstood, and mostly unappreciative daughter. Kenny Rogers guest stars as Louie B. Mayer.




22 Bad Memory Lane                                     Hour Episodic

The '50s feel bad show about a black family in the South which harkins back to a time when kids were too undernourished talk back, blacks knew that white people were out to get them, women were kept out of the workplace, disabled people were confined to their homes, homeless people were publicly abused, and homosexuals had the common decency to move away from their small towns.




The Ghost And Mrs. Clinton                             Hour Episodic

Hillary Clinton moves into the White House to find the ghost of Eleanor Roosevelt already living there. Ellen Barkin as Hillary, Markie Post as Eleanor Roosevelt, and Charles Nelson Reilly as the annoying Speaker of The House.




The Bear Pit                                                 TV Movie/ unintentional comedy

The two hour, real-life, ordeal of an eight year-old girl who falls into a bear pit at the zoo and has to wait for rescuers. (Note to producers: Show probably would've been more exciting if the bears had not been hibernating at the time of the shoot.)




Waco                                                             comedy sitcom

David Koresh and his band of wacky Wacoites are back in this wacky new sitcom. Much wackiness prevails. Jeff Daniels stars as Koresh.  Bobcat Goldwait as the voice inside David Koresh's head.




Who Wants To Be A Thousandaire                 Game Show

If you answer 1000 questions correctly you get 1000 dollars -- every single time guaranteed! Jon Davidson hosts with his own brand of effervescent humour.




Satan's Little Helpers                                     Cartoon/Children's

A cross between Scooby Doo and The Exorcist, but with Satan as a fun loving sympathetic character that kids can really relate to.




Take My Wife                                                 Game Show

The game show where the winner gets to have sex with the loserís wife on camera while the studio audience taunts the loser.




The King Family Christmas                             Variety Special

Creatta Scott King, The entire Martin Luther King Family, Reverend Jesse Jackson, Brooke Shields, Alvino Rey, The June Taylor Dancers, Charlie Callas adds humour, and magician Lance Burton star. Gowns by Bob Mackie. Highlight is a digitally processed duet of Bing Crosby and Jessie Jackson singing Little Drummer Boy".



Die Laughing                                                 comedy/Game Show

Comedy/kids show based on "Make Me Laugh" where comedians attempt to make a contestants laugh. If the comedian is able to make a contestant laugh then the contestant is thrown into a pit of angry wolves and torn to shreds. If the contestant lives, he/she comes back the following day.




Pedophile Playhouse                                         Children's comedy

Just like Pee Wee's Playhouse, only on this show, each week we'll have a new guest prisoner who is out on furlough.




Teenage Girl Prison                                         WB

Illegal teens who commit illegal acts and the prison guards who love them.




Solved Mysteries                                             Mystery

Mysteries that were previously unsolved, but were solved before the show was finished being edited. Host Peter Graves.




Plane Crashes Of The Rich And Famous             Fox

No explanation given.




Revisionist History Class                                  PBS/Educational

A show dedicated to rewriting history to make every historical fact politically correct. Show not aired due to the fact it too closely resembled mainstream news.




I'm Okay, You're A Fucking Idiot                      Political Commentary

A television version of the popular 60's book "I'm Okay Your Okay," but updated for a new millennium, and a new, take charge, generation.




Milk Karton Kidz                                               Cartoon

Feel good cartoon about milk cartons that come to live, dance around the dairy sections a little bit, then lead police on a search for missing children.




Road Rage                                                        Adventure/Fox

Anthology series of the bold men and women who risk their freedom everyday by killing stupid idiots who don't belong on the freeway in the first place. Jack Nicholson hosts.




The Gramachos                                                 Crime Drama

A show about a blue-collar, stab your eyes out kinda Mafia boss who is seeing a female psychiatrist due to frequent bedwetting and chronic masturbation. Anthony LaPagia is Jimmy Gramachos.  Sylma Hayack plays his Italian psychiatrist.




Teenage Girl Prison -- Cheerleader's In Love         WB

Spin-off of Teenage Girl Prison. Brittney Spears stars in a rare pre-implant performance.




The Bill Gates Man Of Adventure                         X Games/ MTV

Each week Bill Gates will pay adrenaline junkies lots of money to take his place on rafting trips and bungee jumps, and all sorts of other dangerous activities that he is to afraid to go on himself.




The Brat Pack Telethon                                     Public Service

Telethon to raise money for the members of the Brat Pack -- Molly Ringwald, Judd Nelson, Alley Sheedy, Emilo Estevez, Rob Lowe, and Andrew McCarthy star.




A ZZ Top Christmas                                             Christmas

The dudes play the roles of Christmas Past, Present, and Future when they come to call on a miserly old concert promoter.  Feel good show -- very special.


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