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Ronald Reagan Dead  
 Democrats Blame Bush Administration

By Kelly Holtzclaw

WASHINGTON /Bel-Air -   Upon hearing the news of former President Reagan's  passing Tom Daschle took to the floor of the Senate  to blast President George Bush and his administration.

"What kind of a country has President Bush turned this place into when a great American like Ronald Regan can be allowed to wither and die without any government health care assistance or prescription drug aid!"

When Daschle's aids realized what the Senator was shouting about they raced to the floor and whispered into the Minority leader's ear that President Regan was:  

(A) 93 years old, and 

(B) also was a multimillionaire who required no financial assistance from anyone. Also...

(C)  Reagan was a conservative Republican.

The Senate Minority leader then replied under his breath... "Oh, bat shit.." and yielded the floor.


More twisted humor

Miami Gang Accused of Beating German Tourist "Within An Inch of His Life"   Acquitted Due To The Metric System

By Kelly Holtzclaw

MIAMI - Eleven members of the notorious West 42nd Mac-Cubed Kings With Fries were aquatinted of all charges stemming from the January, 21st beating of Horst Borst, a German tourist who was unable to speak English "Too awful gud" because the police report taken at the scene stated: "The victim was beaten to within an inch of his life..." 

Click Here for the Full Story >>

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Russell Crowe Assaults Self

Russell Crowe gets Twisted HumorSYDNEY -- Oscar winner and misunderstood James Dean wannabe Russell Crowe attacked himself today in a Sydney pub.  The attack ensued shortly after a brief argument between the actor and himself. 

"It looked like Mr. Crowe had worked everything out with himself, then, just when it looked like he was going to walk away, he suddenly turned and sucker-punched himself.  It was a low thing to do -- he caught himself completely off guard.  It was a sucker punch!"

Crowe's newest, in a recent string of many publicists stated, “these latest allegations are trumped-up, false, and taken completely out of context.  Russell Crowe was not, I repeat, not the aggressor here.

Russell Crowe has been linked to a string of violent outbursts including: attacking the Director of the BAFTA awards, a barroom brawl, and breaking into Buckingham Palace and smothering the Queen Mother to death with a pillow.

Mr. Crowe is best known for his film roles in A Beautiful Mind, as John Nash, the mathematical genius struggling with schizophrenia; and Gladiator, where he dressed up in a tight leather outfit and bitch-slapped a bunch of surly men for about two hours and fifteen minutes.

Click here to get the full story>>

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Twisted Humor for Milton BerleEbay to Auction Comedy Legend Milton Berle's Giant Penis

BEVERLY HILLS, CA -- The comedy and porn worlds simultaneously mourn the loss of Milton Berle, who died at the age of 93.  Berle, best known for he unusually large penis, was also a funnyman who enjoyed dressing up as a woman on 50’s television, and privately for his wife.

News of the death sent a shockwave through the porn industry, where Milton Berle had become a symbol of excellence to most male porn stars due to his outstanding penis.  When reached for comment, Ron Jeremy stated, “Uncle Milty was a guy with a big schlong, I’ll give him that.  He was like a God, a God with a really big schlong. He was funny, sure, but his dick, well, that was funnier.  That’s what I’ll miss.”

Click here to get the full story>>

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Congressional Hearings On Stupidity Delayed When Witnesses Get Lost On Way To Capital Building

WASHINGTON, D.C. - “This is exactly why we need to pass that damn bill," Congressman Asa Hutchinson (Arkansas) screamed out in frustration as he and three other representatives began searching for ten missing witnesses that apparently wandered off and got lost, who were set to give their testimonials on how stupidity has effected their lives. 

“It's only the tallest freakin' building in Washington, you can't miss it." Congressman Hutchinson ranted, “For God’s sake, I repeated the damn directions about fifty-seven times."  He also faxed them directions at the hotel, drew them a map on a cocktail napkin, and sent a congressional page to lead them over, but somehow the group still managed to elude common sense and get lost. 

Click here to get the full story>>



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JOHN ROCKER  has a new column and only The has got it

"I have sinned..."  John Rocker
    Click here to go inside>>


Warped Newz
It's true, it's true, it's all true
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Why Gavin Polone Really Had to Leave The United Talent Agency 
Phone Revenge by Horton Lazario

"Yeah, Michael Eisner’s office calling for Gavin, is he in?" I said in just the right bored, nonchalant tone to authenticate the call.
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Letterz to The
The world writes and we read…
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A Letter from our Publisher M.E. Marvin Edelman

"Porn To Be Wild"
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Check out the Eat My Balls Video based on Dave Lasher's Anthem Click here>>

Dave Lasher's Other Stuff

 If you want some really weird humor check out Lazario below...


On The Town

"Let me tell you about something equally as cold-blooded as the Robert Blake murders - my night from hell at Vitello's."

          Click here to go inside>>



What Otherwise Normal People Are Saying About The Newz.Com

Find out how we rate with John and Joan Q. Public?
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No Good, Part Time, Burger Flipping Scum  
by Kelly Holtzclaw
"It looked like our little prank was going to turn out just fine until the S.W.A.T. team showed up and started firing on innocent people. I knew we would never be the same after that night, but our primary goal was trying to stay out of jail."

PART ONE: Click here to go inside>>

PART TWO: Click here to go inside>>

PART THREE: Click here to go inside>>



TV Pilots That Never Aired

The best television you never saw in the producer's own words.

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